The Mommy Mystique

Yesterday, I was thinking about how I felt I had to admit on the blog the newest episode of "Bad Mommy." This one involves Stella's recent introduction to foods I said I didn't want to her to even know about... and within the span of two weeks, she was enjoying all.... First, we made chocolate chip/raisin oatmeal cookies, and then for the week that they lived on the counter in the ziploc bag, she pointed to the spot and signed "more." I actually think by the end of the week, it was the cookies that actually got her to start saying the word "more" because i started to coyly ignore the sign language and would instead direct her towards a rice cake. Then last Thursday Steve won a small victory at work (WOOHOO!) and we all went out to eat... and, since it's Santa Barbara, about the only place we could afford (and take Stella to) was the local burger joint. Stella was finally introduced to french fries and chocolate shakes, which SHE INHALED. She likes "dipping" things - and usually at home we dip broccoli in yogurt. Here, she happily downed most of our shared french fries complete with dipping them in mayo (the way Mommy likes them, thanks a lot Belgium).  Then this weekend I made spritz (or press) cookies to give out at a holiday open house (which i will NEVER DO AGAIN I HATED THE DAMN PRESS MACHINE OH NOW I KNOW WHY IT WAS SO CHEAP AT THE THRIFT STORE AND LOOKED LIKE IT HAD BEEN USED ONCE!) Woosh. Sorry. Me and those press cookies had a talking to.

But in the span of 10 days, my breastfed for 14 months, homemade baby food slurping, curried lentil soup and brown rice eating toddler had chocolate cookies, french fries, sips of a milkshake, and sprinkle butter cookies. and loved every minute. So I was kinda feeling like a bad mommy.

And then I started ready this book I casually picked up at the library last week. Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box. Basically, I'm two chapters in... and regardless that the academic in me is a little annoyed at the breezy writing at times (I know, I know, not everything has to be Derrida), it speaks to a lot of things that have been going through my head now that I'm a stay at home mom. She writes that although our mothers may think that we have it "easier" in the age of juice boxes, snack traps, and disposable diapers (not to mention video monitors!), we actually don't. We have so many societal pressures that (for starters) validate women ONLY if they are mothers (as if that is the ideal for every woman, which it's obviously not) and that as mothers, we are the ones responsible for our children's outcome in life, and that every little thing we do now might screw them up for the rest of their lives... and the pressure, anxiety, and eventual guilt that falls upon our shoulders is extreme. She writes that we need to think of ourselves not as perfect, but perfectly good. As in, those shoes are perfectly good and they will last two more seasons. As in, you can be a perfectly good mom and still have a kid that has a meltdown by the fish counter, sticks broccoli up her nose, and eats dirt. (Um, where DID i get those examples from? ;)

So I think reading the rest of the book might be helpful. I think social networking and media (such as this very blog) are even to blame in some way. Many of us don't write about the hard weeks, the crappy days, the nights spent sleeping a mere 3 hours because of teething, ear aches, etc. We share the good moments, such as first steps, first ABCs, but not the worries of a daughter who still has about 5 intelligible words at 20 months... Anxious? You bet I am. But do I have to stop trying to compare? To compete? To worry about not catching up? Yes. The first week I was here in Santa Barbara, I found a blog by a woman who designs sewing patterns (and knits and embroiders and crochets, etc etc) and is a certified Montessori teacher. She had some great patterns that I have stashed away (when I'll find the time, I am not sure...) but I also read through all the projects she did with her son, the same age as Stella. There were no plastic toys in the house, only wood and natural products, she had a "discovery bin" for him each day with rocks, fabrics of different texture, found objects, etc. Naturally, I kept reading through feeling so inadequate about what I was doing with my daughter each day. Both my mom AND my aunt had to get my out of my funk. I was comparing, buying into the "mystique" of the new extreme Mom, one who seems to be able to do it all.

Today, we shared in the joy that is the beach on a cloudy day. Scupper ran and chased a tennis ball, delighting in only the repetitive motion of it going down the beach and returning it to the chuck-it. Stella picked up rocks and put them in a clean dog-poo bag, dumped them out, and found new ones to take their place. She ran down the beach shouting "AHHHHHHHHHH" with driftwood in her hand, caring not for the wet jeans, even wetter shoes, and sand in her hair. And this morning, I felt like a perfectly good mom.